My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
