I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
