I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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