the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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