I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize