The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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