alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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