my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
