Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
