I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
