omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
