And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
