I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
