All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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