I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
