dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
