I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
