nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
