Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
