I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
