The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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