I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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