I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
