Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
