This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
