i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
