She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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