I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
