There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
