I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
