I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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