I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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