Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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