the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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