i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
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