That's intense
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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