I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
