Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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