Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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