my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
