If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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