I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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