chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You ruined the universe
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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