I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Randomize
