i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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