So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
