So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
