ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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