just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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