They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
