he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
