Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
