What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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