a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
