I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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