Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
